Breakthrough

I was running on the treadmill, just like any other day.  It has been raining in California…pouring actually, and I’ve felt that urge to curl up in bed and watch movies all day long.  Today, though, I got up, tied up my running shoes, and dashed through the rain to get to the tiny workout room where I run on the treadmill.  I began the run at a RPE of 6, which happened to be 6 miles an hour, and planned to do a few 20-40 second sprints throughout the run.  Immediately I realized that I would beat my 5k time (previously 33 min 50 sec) if I could complete it.  At 20 minutes in, I thought about slowing down, but I listened to my body.  I could do this.  During the last few minutes of the run, a song came on my Ipod…”My Sundown” by Jimmy Eat World.

I see it around me
I see it in everything
I could be so much
More than this
I said my goodbye’s
This is my sundown
I’m gonna be so much
More than this
With one hand high
You’ll show them your progress
You’ll take your time
But no one cares
No one cares
I need you me to show me
The way from crazy
I wanna be so much
More than this
With one hand high
You’ll show them your progress
You’ll take your time
But no one cares
With one hand high
You’ll show them your progress
You’ll take your time
But no one cares
No one cares
I could be so much
More than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much
More than this
No one cares
I could be so much
More than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much
More than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much
More than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much
More than this
Good goodbye lovely time shame
Good goodbye to sunshine darkness
Good goodbye
I’ll be fine
Good goodbye
Good goodnight

The words, “I could be so much more than this” hit me hard.  I felt the desire to BE something more, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  The words continued, “I’m gonna be so much more than this.”  I pushed harder.  I saw myself as more.  It was as if I was disconnected from my body telling me to stop.  I pushed harder than I’ve ever pushed before . I kept going faster and faster…the music fueling my inner desires.  I felt as if something was pulsing through my body…my desire for change….pulsing through every cell in my body and opening me up.  I was vulnerable, I was honest, and I saw myself.  I hit the stop button at 3.2 miles and tears spilled out of my eyes.  As I caught my breath I realized I had just run faster than I’ve ever run in my entire life.  3.2 miles in 31 minutes and 34 seconds.  I was in bliss.  As I began to stretch out, I looked in the mirror.  I normally spend so much time telling myself I haven’t been working out enough, or I haven’t been eating right, and I look in the mirror with disappointment.  Not today.  Today I looked in the mirror and saw the truth of my being.  I loved myself.  My eyes were sparkling, but not just with tears of happiness.  My eyes were sparkling with the joy that IS me.  I walked home through the rain pouring on me, and felt true change coming on.  I’ve wanted to start this blog for a few months now, and I think I didn’t have the courage.  I wanted the beginning to be perfect.  But you know what?  It already is.  This is my journey.

Though I connected with this song, I changed it a bit when I put the lyrics in here.  The truth is, I AM going to be so much more than this.  The person I want to be is already within me.   But the truth is also that people do care.  I have an incredible support system, and I am truly thankful for that.

The sun is setting on the shame that I’ve felt when I feel that I’m not good enough.  I know that is not in any way true.  The sun is setting on my lack of self-confidence.  I know I can do this.   The rain is washing away all the parts of me that want to criticize myself, that doubt my abilities, and the sun is breaking through and shining on my Highest Self.

This blog will document my journey in finding my delicious wellness.  And not just wellness for my physical body.  Wellness in all areas of my life.  Mental Wellness.  Emotional Wellness.  Spiritual Wellness. My Highest Self.  My Feel Great Weight.  My Purpose on the Earth.  My Soul’s Bliss.  Today, I relish in the joy that I am.  I am grateful for this transformation, and the change that I feel in my soul.

Like Lily declared on our wedding day, after she pronounced Kevin and me husband and wife,

“And So It Begins!”

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